so last time i wrote my journal i was talking about how me and sherlock had made up and started talking again and been babysitting my brother and sister together and everything was good and wed had random discussions about having a kid together and stuff like that, well since then me and sherlock have done more babysitting and joking on and the usual sort of things, i even managed to bite and bruise him for a change (although he did manage to bruise me worse than other times, this one started bleeding
) anyway then we've had the weekend where we didnt talk as much partly because i had work and partly because he was spending time with people he cares about that were moving away, on saturday night i had some trouble with dylan who is the brother of nathan/crusher, and that had both sherlock and a ex of mine worrying about me and trying to get me to start opening up more about stuff, sherlock even suggested me and him start taking up karate to get fit and be able to take care of myself better. They've also been determined to get me to stop trying to protect them so much when they can protect themselves and it would stop me getting hurt so much but really, its who i am, i cant help but try to protect the people i care about, i mean i've dealt with the pain before, and i'd much rather get hurt myself than have them hurt because of me. so on sunday i ended up with my ex mr x coming back up from university just to make sure i was ok, and to get the truth out of me, i mean id only left out a few things that i knew him and sherlock would kill dylan for, but i was alive and i didnt want them getting upset and doing something stupid, i mean what would i have done if they'd went after dylan and got hurt? it would be forever over my head, so i left out details, and mr x continued to question me and i cried and told him everything, i made him promise not to tell sherlock though, i mean there are some things that i just dont want people to know, they both want to kill dylan enough anyway.
anyway on sunday night mr x went back down to uni and everything was ok ish, me and sherlock were talking and having a laugh, and i was drinking, and then we were a bit iffy and stopped talking which made me moody so mr x ended up being nebby and getting us talking again and we were both watching a movie (sweeney todd
) and then talking and afterwords sherlock was drinking aswell and he ended up getting lost in a field, and i'd went for a walk to a place me and nathan always used to go and sat in a tree still talking to sherlock, then i managed to fall out afforementioned tree and hit my head off a branch on the way down (smart person i am), anyway then i decided to go and visit nathans grave (this took me past both sherlocks house and the house nathan used to live in) and after sitting talking to nathans grave for a hour or so i got a message from sherlock saying this;
'We need to talk and since your asleep its going to be a one sided conversation, I know you love me and that at times the way we've been it is really confusing, but what I want you to know is I love you but as a friend, I'd hate for you not to be in my life but I need you to be happy and as much as it would hurt me if I thought our relationship was hurting you I would end in a heartbeat (although we've tried that before and it hasn't worked) cause I nerver want you hurting although once again us not talkign would hurt you so I'm screwed either way. I care for you so much that at time I wish I could be straight so we could be together but you deserve so much better, but as a friend I'm alsways goin to be here for you, I have never wanted to hurt you and I know that me going out with your friend must have killed you and I'm sorry that I didn't think about that, and as far as the baby thing I would love to have a child with you cause then at least I know you'd be in my life forever and I'm sorry that I couldn't go through with what would be necessary to have a baby I wish there was some other way, you need to let xanser and others in more including me because we care for you and only want the best for and believe me if I ever see that dylan person he will loose his knads, the times we haven't talked it isn't because I haven't wanted to talk to you its because in all my stupidity I thought it would be better for you, you would never have upset me by talking to me because it hurt everyday that I didn't talk to you. I feel like there is so much more I want to say but I don't know what, I'm glad I'm sitting in the middle of a field because the drunkness and cryingness of me is stupid but when I say this please please please know I mean it in the nicest sense possible with out bitching at you, but even though I know its hard, you need to be happy and you need to find someone who's going to make you happy in every way possible so loving me in the same way I love you might help you find that. And wow I wrote so much in the first message I needed to start another one but just remember I love you and want you to be happy soooo much
and i just didnt know what to say, i mean he thought i was asleep and after he sent it he realised i wasnt since i was reading the message, and we talked about a few other things while i tried to get my head round what he had said, i mean i couldnt work out whether to be happy or sad for what he said, it just has me thinking about how i actually love him and if i think i can try and love him as a friend instead of the way i love him already, i want to be happy and i want him to be happy, i can deal with him not loving me like i love him, but i dont know how i would cope if he did decide it was hurting me too much and tried to stop us being friends, when he goes on about how him dating my friend must have killed me hes right but really i dont mind that he didnt think about how it would affect me, its his life and i shouldnt stop him dating whoever he wants, i mean in the end i just want him to be happy and if that means i have to watch him love someone else and deal with the hurt then so be it, because i would rather the pain and seeing him happy than loosing him. no matter what i want him to be a part of my life, even if we do end things he will still be a part of me, the tattoo on our wrists makes sure of that. i just hope i can do what he says and find someone who loves me and makes me happy in every way, me and dylan were talking today about a few things and he put a few thoughts in my head about how mr x and sherlock are no good for me and how they only want to hurt me, he then started telling me that they are just proof of stuff that my ex ari said to me last year when he told me noone would love me and that if i love anyone it will destroy them, and i cant help but think he might be right, i mean mr x says he loves me but i wont let myself love him as more than a brotherly type figure, and sherlock i love so much and hes gay so theres no chance of him loving me back this way, i just hope and pray were wrong